So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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