Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
