So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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