She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
