I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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