Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
