bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
