Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
