So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
