My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
