i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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