why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
