at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
