1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
