It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
