Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
