I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
