For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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