You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
