at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
