It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
