He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
