got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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