I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Your cock deserves a montage
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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