Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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