So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
