I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
