his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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