life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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