Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
The air taste purple.
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