He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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