I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
