so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
