Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Barsexuality is the new black.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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