Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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