It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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