So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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