my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
