someone threw a dead crab at me
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
