i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
