My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
