i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Panties = found
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
