the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
