my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
