can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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