ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
