u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
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at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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