well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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