When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
