so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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