I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
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I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
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Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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