areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
