Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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