The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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