you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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