a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
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