I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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