I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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