Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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