So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
