atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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