I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
