I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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